Can I run away and not return?

i just wrote this song


can i run away and not return
will you miss me in any way
because i dont know whats worth it

i run down the stairs and out the door
i leave without one question
i look ay tje stars and say maybe this needs to be done

[c]because whats worthwhile
i just dont know
and ill be gone anyway
so whats the point?

i want someone to come home to
but maybe it just wont happen
and i can run from myself and everything i am

look out the window into the past
regretting every bit of everything
but maybe this needs to be done

[c]

can i run away and not return?
just do me this one favor all the while
dont miss me too much in any way

Some thoughts

I wrote an intro for this it didnt fit. I wrote a sentence to this but it didnt fit. I guess it should just be out already thats a thought.

give me one good reason to believe i'm not alone. i will wait for you to answer me

I had a good idea but. . . .

Well i was thinking in my english class that i should write a blog post. I was thinking, "you know i could do it on time. I could say how us humans just make up time for ourselves. No one else said this is right or wrong. For all we know we could be wrong with time because to be honest wont man-made things are normally wrong. Time is just an expression of something we cannot comprehend. This will be a really good blog post, people will actually read it and comment, and find it interesting." But alas i sit here. I'm saying how it will be a good idea when in reality it is just a concept. A concept that may come up later, but may not come up later. knowing myself it will not come up later. But feel free to comment your opinions on time and such matters.

Peace 'n' Love
Mike

Reflections on forgetting and not slowing down

If you get the title, you will realize what this will be about. But if you dont get it, i will just tell you. This is a album review on "Forget and Not Slow Down" by Relient K. It is more of a relfection on it then a review but i hope you will enjoy and understand the things that i will be saying. I will go track by track and i will try my best not to jump around.

1. Forget and Not Slow Down- Before i actually got the physical copy of this, i listened to the whole album on youtube, and this song was an instant like for me. Just something about it made me like it. And from previous knowledge, i knew Matt Thiessen, the frontman, went through a troubling relationship, because of him breaking up with his fiancée and things like that going down. So this song kind of has to do with that. He wants to forget and not slow down from his life and not regret his past. I believe he believes that God makes us go through certain things for certain reasons, which i believe too. One line that really strikes me is "I could spend my life just trying to sift through what i couldve done better but what good do what if's do" What if. we say that to ourselves all the time. But i think its better to forget about the what ifs and keep going on wiht our life. Forget them and not slow down.

2. I Don't Need a Soul- I also read a review for this album before i bought it too. This guy wrote like a real in-depth review of this album. It was really crazy but good. But the one thing i got from it was that this was a break-up album. I think it is, and this song really reflects that. Forget and Not slown Down goes perfectly into this song, like a hot knife through butter its that good. (i know bad analogy you can get over it =P) When i first listened to this song, the thing that struck me was "what are these sirens Matt is talking about?" Is he talking about the sirens from his life, metaphorical ones about his break-up? or is he literally talking about hearing sirens in the middle of the night outside of his house/apartment? He then says he feels everything dying at the pivot point of himself. Inside himself, he feels everything crumbling around him, most likely because of a huge break up like that. But he still realized he could have it worse. Then the pre-chorus, to say, he realizes that life still goes on, because "the sun stil lburns the shadows out, and there's nothing to complain about now" When you first hear the title you think, he doesnt need a soul? well doesnt everyone need a soul? but he says he doesnt need a soul to hold. He doesnt need a wife or girlfriend to make his life good. He just needs to realize that life will still be beautiful without that person. More break-up lines, that dont seem all to mushy when you listen to the song, "I miss you now, i loved you, and i know things could be worse"

3. Candlelight/Flare- This is a love song about beauty. I like it, its catchy and fun to sing. But once again i suspect this was written about his ex-fiancée. "She's a lady, I'm the tramp" "She's like an ancient artifact, something you're lucky to have found" The chorus is fun. He talks about how she is so beautiful that moths are drawn to her light (her beauty) And that she outshines everyone else in his eyes. "she's almost brighter than the sun, it seems to me to be unfair, when you consider everyone who pales when they compare" thats a cool line he makes that really shows how beautiful she must have been to him. "It's not unfair when you compare the one who's fairest of the fair"

4. Part of It/Outro- This is a break-up song also, a little more of an angry one though. He is kinda yelling at her for saying that things fell apart, and she definetely should know why. But its not the end of the world beacuse this happened to Matt. They are both part of society and that they both should carry on. He gives great advice through this song though. "when a nightmare does enfold, perspective is a lovely hand to hold." When bad things happen to us, it is always good to know how you will react and how you will know things after that disaster. I believe even though it is a break-up song, he realizes he will learn greatly from this.

5. Therapy- Ah this song. I like this one a lot. He starts it off with a description of him driving off into the unknown with just the close he woke up in. Is this a metaphor, or literal? I think its both. I think he wanted to clear his mind and just think, so he drove around with music playing through his stereo. Metaphorical hes driving to get far away from what happened so he can take an outside look on it and learn from it. Because after all this driving could be his therapy. OR this song could be his therapy. OR Just learning from this and trying to heal is his therapy. He realizes that life always changes, always transitioning. He realizes that it is good to be let down at times because it keeps you in check about whats important in life and what isnt. Another point he brings up rather briefly, but worth mentioning, is his references to solitude and loneliness. He believes there is a great difference to them, because solitude you can feel peace or try to achieve it and clear your mind. On the other hand, loneliness is very painful and burdensome. He spends his solitude with You, which to me references God and trying to ask for His help to help Matt get through this. He realizes that God is the only one who will listen to him no matter what happens, and God will always do what is right in Matt's life. "You wont take my calls and that makes God the only one who's left here listening" He will always have faith in God to listen to him.

6. Over it- He first starts this with stating that he will never know who he completely is. He might change into someone else, but he has no clue to who he is now. I think this is from the break-up. It his life in pieces, and he has to start at the beginning: who am i? Even the title shows the effect of the break-up. He is just saying that he is over it. He also starts from the start by saying "i dont know whats over just yet" He gets a little angry a bit later on because he says to her "You dont know the magnitude of what youre about to lose." But the God theme from the last song comes into ply again for a couple of lines. "I'm guarded therefore i can endure, just a little bit more, just a little bit more". He realizes with God's help he can keep going on and endure life a bit more. Also he could reference the Passion of Jesus. Jesus fell many times carrying the cross, yet He endured and kept going on. Maybe thats a little bit of a stretch, but he knows God can help him. "its still an attempt to stay ego-less while self-assured"

7. Sahara- This was the first song i heard from this album. My friend showed me it because of the medley of singers Relient K uses in the bridge. So one day after hearing it about 5 months ago, i decided to listen to it again. I actually read the lyrics and found that this is an intense song. Another angry-ish songs like "Part of It" but i think this is more. Even the tone of the guitars from the first second, is a hard tone. He is angry, lying on his side. He references the metaphorical hell he is going through as the Sahara, hence the name of the song. He makes a lot of references to the landscape and the animals. The dunes he hides under, the lion (which will be discussed later), the birds of prey. He gives you the imagery of this landscape and brings it into his life. He asks one thing, in an angry, almost yelling tone, to his friends. Dont turn me loose. Dont turn me loose even when i get angry and yell. dont turn me loose even when i turn my back on you. I think in a sense he is saying this to his ex-fiancée. She turned her back on him, and he didnt let her go, so dont turn him loose when he turns his back on her. The lion, as forementioned, could symbolize many things in this song, and through the album. In this song, the lion could be referencing Jesus, because at times in scripture He is mentioned as the lion. Jesus was condemned to die, and his crown was taken down. THe birds of prey that he talks about feasting on the crown could be the Roman soliders taught Jesus and beating him. Also the Jews could be symbolized as the birds of prey because they also slung insults at Jesus on the way of the cross. Jesus was abandoned by all of his disciples, and dethroned. Matt relates himself to Jesus, beacuse he says "believe me i know all about that now." Maybe he is feeling the part of the sting that Jesus had felt. In the album sense, the lion could be himself. He felt high and mighty, yet he was dethroned by this tradegy. Later on i will discuss more of this. The bridge starts the medley of voices that makes this song just that awesome. "I never told you then that i would be easy to love, supposedly i'm a man but i felt like a cub, i wandered into the plains further and father away, never knowing if i'll ever come back the same, as my organs gave way i swear i felt something burst, its been 13 days and i been dying of thirst, for the birds of prey i pray that someone else will get here first" The words speak for themselves, except the plains and birds of prey. The plains are the hard times in life that he goes through, never knowing how they will effect him. The birds if prey could be the insulters to him. The ones making fun or laughing at him. He hopes that someone better than them will get to him. "I am not alone, i'll be alright, just take these bones and bring them back to life" He once again asks God for favors. He realizes that God is with him, and that he has people to support him, but he just needs a push to bring his bones back to life. And this song ends great with Matt MacDonald yelling the last line "even when i turn my back!"

8. Oasis/Savannah/Baby- This is another love song that Matt puts in here. I guess he had to put a light hearted song in between the two harder rock songs that are before and follow it. Savannah could either be the symbol for a person or could be a symbol for the city or the state (Georgia) or the region. He says that Savannah, whichever one it may be, sum up perfection like a handbook, and that God knows how perfect those things are. Everything made sense when Savannah was around. The outro of this song "Baby" makes me think this is more about his ex-fiancée. The last line of it says, "everything made sense when you were with me" from my knowledge, i know she left him, so he is missing the sense of wholeness he felt when she was around.

9. If you Believe Me- Matt says a line, "i wanted to say it was you" He realtes alot of things in this song to his ex-fiancée. He wants to believe that things were because of her. He fell in love and wanted to say it was her, but he cant because she left him and now he is a bit bitter. if she stayed with him, they could have been together for a long time, and been happy together. He also says that believing him would mean that she would have to disbelieve herself. She needs to let herself down, and trust in him. One thing i guess happened to Matt was that he would always wonder what she would be thinking. He says that she knows that he thinks about her a decent amount and that he thinks about what she thinks. And because of this fact, she will remember him because she wonders if he is thinking about her. Confusing it may sound, but it can be simplified. He thinks about what she thinks, then she thinks if he starts to think about her. This makes Matt invade her mind and still be there when he really isnt. He wants to believe her but she has her hand in everything so it would turn out the way she wants. Bitter words from Mr. Thiessen here, but hes angry. That is how he felt. He was hurt. I dont blame him.

10. This is the End/ (If You Want It)- "I cant keep a straight face and say this is not the end" He realizes that this has effected him greatly and he cant say it hasnt with a straight face. He doesnt want it to be the end yet he knows it has to be. He wants his ex-fiancée to think about where she wants to go. This is the end if she wants it. He's been hurt before, "loved and lost", and "took the fire escape and made it out alive" He still gets hurt from this but God helps him. He has the God theme come back because he has "a healing hand against my side" The side could also represent Jesus again. Jesus was stabbed in the side when on the cross. His stabbing could have been this break-up and God has his healing hand on it. He says if he was rushed on, he was sorry. He had his hopes up, started to pack his stuff, then things frayed. He wanted to move on, and not stay in those cardboard boxes everything in his life was in. He again references God in a "You" sense. He talks about his ex-fiancée for the main part, then he starts talking about "You taking me home" he couldnt be talking about her. well he isnt. He is talking to God to help heal him and take him home, like his family believes, like his father believes. Saying his father has more of a significance, but i dont know him that much to tell you that now. Maybe he died, and God took him. I dont know. Maybe ill find out later. But half way through he switches back to talking to his ex-fiancée. "This is the end if you want it" Matt then states what he has been doing. He has been hurt from the break-up and he trying to convince himself that he was more to live up to then this. More to live out in this life. The next part struck me. "I met the devil and i stared her in the eye" I heard this and said "No he didnt" I was caught off guard by this, calling his ex-fiancée the devil, and how her beauty mesmorized him. He ends the song with metaphoricallt crawling back home, to being better and stable in his life. "nourished back to life by life alone" He had life shown into his eyes, and he got better and his life improved. "With one shake of the mane regain the throne" He has the lion symbol again, which this time directly symbolizes himself. He was on his side in "Sahara" but not he shakes his mane once again, gives out a large roar, and regains his life and the throne.


Yes this is a break-up album. But it has good music in it. Its not a mushy break-up album that can get really annoying. But its honest. Brutality honest that you can hear his emotions and the way he was feeling from the lyrics and the singing. Its music that Matt Thiessen needed to get by in his life. He needed it for his "therapy". He went through the "Sahara" then through the "Oasis" and then regained the control of his life with "a shake of the mane". Honest. Raw. Emotional. Good. This is a very good album. Matt realizes that he'd "rather forget and not slow down then gather regret for things [he] can't change now". He wants to be who he wants to be and trust in God to lead him there. "Pour over me and wash my hands of it"

Wondering

This is gonna be a very quick post because i need sleep for the AP Calc test tmrw.

But here is my question. I wonder what its like to lose someone real close that you see and interact with everyday. Like the person you talk to, see everyday, eat with, someone real close, and they just die. I wonder what it feels like to have that happen. . . .

Reflections on education and school

Normally when i write or talk about school or education, i usually end up ranting and saying how flawed schools and education are and other bad things about it. But this time, its a happy story that I am going to be writing about.

Student Teachers: most people hate them, despise them, think they are horrible teachers. I myself have never been lucky with student teachers. Freshman year i had a math one and she was just awful. Sophomore year i didnt have one. Last year i had one. She was good, but nothing even close to the teacher she replaced for those 3 months. But this year was different. Not only was she very good, but she was also someone fun to talk to, fun to make jokes with, and most important (at least to me) inspiring.

When she first came in, my friend, Chris, was like "good luck with your student teacher". but dumb me didnt realize it was his sister until i saw her. I remember first meeting her at a Switchfoot concert (not un-normal right? =P) Somehow Chris and I went to the same concert, saw each other, hung out with my friends and his sister. She was cool, but i really didnt talk to her that much. A year and a half later, she becomes my student teacher. At first i was kind of worried, will she do well as my normal teacher? will she be good at all or just completely suck? I didnt know what to expect.

She helped my class out a lot with college stuff, telling us about it, what to expect, etc. To be honest, i think she helped us better than any of my other teachers could because she has been to college recently and knows what they want (no offense to my teachers of course) She then taught us our cirriculum (sp?) She did very well. I know she did good, but nothing too specific sticks out in my mind. . . .

Until the one day when she came up to me and commented on my TWLOHA shirt (check them out if you dont know the organization, To Write Love On Her Arms, www.twloha.com) I knew she liked TWLOHA and supported it because Chris had told me last year in our back corner of our math class while we both never paid attention at all. She told me she got kinda jealous of me wearing them because she wanted to wear hers but couldnt. She asked me if i heard about TWLOHA winning the news print commercial thing in USA Today. I told her i did, and we chatted for like 2 minutes about it. then later i realized that she is nice to talk to.

So her last week had came, and i thought well things are going to back to normal in class, depending what you call normal in that class because everything changes everyday in that class. The day before she left she gave us a survey to take out her teaching and comments and concerns and all that jazz. I am always bad at those, so i just tried my best. Even in the comments space (because she asked us to put comments and that "they mean more than any statistic") i put "well i am really bad at these but. . ." and left my comment her being a good teacher and stuff. But that was it. nothing too special besides she was good.

The next day was her last day. I saw her in the hallway before my math class, and i stopped and told her i wore my TWLOHA shirt just to annoy her. But then we ended up talking about TWLOHA shirts in the middle of the hallway while people are shuffling to their next class. Then i had to go, and went to my math class, took a test, and then went to her class. She was doing her last bit of business with the seminar we did a week, i think it was a week, before. My english teacher said the thing we said about the nerve-racking comment of us saying we have no hope for people to change. Deep down inside i do believe people can change, but i guess my mentality at the time of the seminar was in a different place of thinking how people have no lives because of the media (and i quoted "Do you feel" by the rocket summer in that seminar). Then my student teacher said something about people trying to change things. Then she mentions me. "Like Mike there, he's just making a statement by just wearing a shirt. He's just trying to start conversations people never talk about. That is issues of teen depression, suicide, self-inflicted injury." And i just smiled to myself, i kinda got red, but i was happy. It totally made it worth it to wear that shirt that day. Even people in my class later on asked me how to find information about it, which made me happy. I felt like i wasnt alone on supporting what i do, that someone older than me finally understood something i do and why i do it. She later read us a quote from a book and asked us to make a response to it. When i talked, which was 2nd, i just said my mind. i rarely do that in my english class because i am always getting judged for what i said and being graded on it. I felt like i could be open, because of my student teacher, and just speak my mind. And to be honest, that was the first time i think i ever spoke completely about what i think. She also put her e-mail on the board if we ever need someone to vent to, she would be there, and add her on facebook if we wanted to. Only until after we had done talking and the end of the school day was approaching did i realize that i was going to miss her being a presence in my classroom.

I was inspired by her. She meant something to me. She made me realize that there are people in this place who do care about teaching you, helping you, helping other people. I think that survey i took before her last day didnt give the full effect of what she meant to me. She wasnt just another student teacher. She was a person who helped me learn, a person i could talk to, a friend, and a mentor. Thank you for all you have done for me and the class for the past couple of months. I know i will miss you and good luck on all of your travels and endeavours in life. I know you will succeed greatly. And you never know, maybe we could meet up several years later like we did after that concert.

Peace 'n' Love
Mike