If life had background music playing your song, i've got to be honest, I tried to escape it

I just read an amazing blogpost on "Cities", the third album of one of my favorite bands anberlin. it was very interesting, inspiring, yet saddening in a way. I also read a post from my friend, Rachel, and that post was slightly saddening too. I dont know maybe for both, its hard for me to see people i look up to be upset and in a disillusioned point in there life. I used to be like that with my mom. Every time i saw her cry, i would cry. It still kind of happens, but not as much. I feel less connection to her for some reason. One thing Stephen brought up is that he always had someone who was proud of him, his father, and his father would tell him that he could do whatever he wanted to do and he put his mind to. I dont feel like i have someone who is constantly proud of me. My mom wants everything better of me, calls me lazy, curses at me for getting a band grade in school. She is proud of me for things i find not that important, and she isnt proud of me for what i think is important. She is proud of me getting into a good college, and thinks i will do well and shit. But what does that shit mean to me? oh great i got into college, i accomplished my one dream of getting out of this house. Yes its a good college, but to a point i could give a shit. Its another part in my life i have to live through to get what i really want. I do want a new crowd of faces, to find my true home, but at the same time, i dont think engineering is going to be my life career. I was talking to another friend named Rachel last night about her teaching. She said its a job but she cant see herself doing it for more than 5 years max. Its the same with me. my mom thinks im going to get a good job, get lots of money, and support her and maybe my brother. But for me, i can see me working in engineering for like 5 years max, like Rachel with teaching. We both have a driving need to be something else than this world wants us to be. I want to be a musician. I want to be someone's Jon Foreman, Tim Foreman, Stephen Christian, Ryan Kirkland, Matt MacDonald, etc. I want to be that person that people will look up to and be happy with me. I want to inspire people.

Now i forgot where this began, oh gotta love the stream of consciousness

"Its not that i keep hanging on, I'm never letting go" For some reason this line strikes me. For many times and places and people, I dont want to let go, even though i know i have to. Im not hanging on, i just cant let go.

I fail at times. I'm not a perfect perosn. I sin. I fall down. I say i want to help but i dont "become the change i want to see in the world" I feel like a hypocrite. I lie, i curse, i do other bad things. I judge people, i make fun of people. I let people get on my nerves.I feel like people over-rate the songs i write. Sure they may have a couple or 2 good lines but thats it. the music isnt good, the guitar work isnt good, the singing is utter shit. And people tell me all the time, youre singing isnt the best (to be nice) or like when i playing a benefit concert, in the middle of a song, someone in the crowd yelled out "You suck!" and walked out. Or the best, all of your music sounds the same. Just because the lyrics are good, it doesnt mean the rest is good, it most likely means its shit, bc im not Switchfoot, Anberlin, Between the trees, The CLassic crime, dream theater. I would be a bad boyfriend/husband. I can be mean at times, i yell at times, im very sarcastic. Who would want to live with a lazy piece of shit like me? At times i feel like the world should revolved around me. I do say certain things at times just to see how people will respond. And if no one says anything, i get angry at myself or the people who didnt say anything. I feel a space between certain friends and myself. Some friends i can tell this too, some friends this thing, i can never tell everything to one person. Last time i did that person left me. I have nothing against her, its life, but i could tell her anything, and then things fell apart and we havent talked for like 5 months. What love that is. She would get angry at me for my depression thoughts which caused a fight between us, and he eventual admittance that she cheated on me. Yet i took her back. I dont know, maybe love is blind.

and to agree on Rachel (the first one) im tired of the passing of time. and with that, nothing that happens. Time just goes by and i dont do anything. I just sit here in front of my computer listening to music, and get made fun of by my family for being in front of the computer. But maybe it gives me more of a home than they ever do. "because the coldest winters thrive on broken homes" "Is anybody out there?"

Like from one of my songs "I just feel liek sitting here and wasting away" At times i find everything pointless, and if i just sat her like a vegetable and did nothing, i would not really miss anything. "there is more to living than being alive" "Existance before essensce" Yesterday someone asked me if i was alive after i didnt respond to them for a long time. I rightfully said "define alive" what does being alive in these days mean? Does it mean having tons of friends you dont really know, going out and getting wasted, come back home and fucking some whore from the side of the street? or fucking some girl you say you love but you really dont because all you want from her is sex and sandwiches? Or is it doing something you love, helping others, and be a loving friend, boy/girlfriend, or husband/wife?

I'm just rambling on though, it feels kind of good, but also makes me more angry and just want to yell at the top of my lungs certain songs i can do that to. I should be happy tomorrow im going to NYC and going to see The Rocket Summer. It should be an awesome time, yet here i sit feeling bad for myself and angry at the world. I need to find where i put my concert ticket. ok found it. it was right in frontof me. thought i would have to move stuff. I have no idea what else to say. Im still listening to anberlin, cities the album. im on "inevitable" i really like Dismantle. Repair. Ok well im going to stop now

Peace 'n' Love
Mike